What a New Mom Needs

by Brenda Hunter, Ph.D.

Every new mother needs to be mothered. She needs a nurturing, mothering community that consists of her own mother, as well as peers and mentors who will help her negotiate the rapids of early motherhood. Usually it's only as a woman finds her mothering community that she is finally able to transition into her new role as mother.

"By the time my son was four months old," said Heidi Brennan, "I was in four mothers' groups: Gymboree, a church support group, a babysitting co-op, and a neighborhood support group." In addition, she hung out with three neighbors who had older children. "I didn't care what they talked about. I just needed to be with them. They were so at ease with themselves. I thought that if I was just around them, some of that laid-back attitude would rub off on me."

While Heidi found her mothering community among mothers at home, Dr. Jenny Noll, a 31-year-old developmental psychologist who shares the care of her baby with her husband, found hers among the support staff at work. Ironically the other developmental psychologists, who are predominantly female and childless, have not been particularly supportive. Instead, Noll has found support from the technicians, receptionists and secretaries she works with. Since Jenny's mother lives in another stare, she's grateful for this daily mothering support.

Toni Townes, mother of 5-and-a-half-year-old Preston and 16-month-old Salina, found her first mothering community in a unique place Gabon, Africa where she worked as a Peace Corps volunteer in her early 20s. A vibrant 30-year-old African American, Toni says she learned a lot from these village mamas. "As I watched the mamas in my village carrying their children on their backs, I learned that a mother's proximity to her child is key to emotional security," says Toni, who would later carry her own children on her back. "Those children were so tied to their mothers' bodies that it almost looked like they were one. It was only when a mother took her baby off her back that you saw separation anxiety."

Back in my own suburban village, I watch Kristen prepare to enter this larger community of mothers. As she begins her third trimester, she has joined a Titus 2 group [named for that passage in the Bible] at her church and cherishes these meetings with older, experienced moms. (She's the only young woman in the group!) When we chat, I encourage my daughter to have two to three anchors in her week get-togethers with other mothers of all ages. This is exactly what I urged my clients to do when they came to me struggling with new motherhood. I encourage you to do the same.

As I've worked with new mothers over the years, I've been struck by the longing they have for nurturing relationships with other women. Most would say if they were honest, "Mother me." Sadly some cannot count on their own mothers to nurture them. Either their mothers live far away or they're on a career track. Sometimes they and their mothers are estranged. When this is the case, a new mother may feel bereft indeed once she has her baby. Who will mother her so she can nurture her child? Where are the wise women in her village who will teach her the art of mothering?

Years ago I heard the late British psychiatrist John Bowlby, father of attachment theory, speak at an American Psychiatric Convention. That day he told the audience that all mothers of young children need to be mothered themselves, especially those who are wounded. He called this "mothering mom," indicating that the more support a mother has the better mother she will be.

I have enjoyed nurturing younger mothers, both as a friend and as a therapist, over the years. And, oh, how they need it. As I've walked my younger friends and clients through the birth of their babies, the early years of child rearing, the healing of parental relationships, peri-menopausal angst and marital woes, we've laughed and cried together over coffee and during countless lunches. While I'm not sure what my friendship has meant to them, I do know what these younger women have given to me. They've added fun, zest and challenge to my life. I would encourage any older woman to adopt a new recruit and nurture her. I promise any woman that she will receive much more in return than she could ever imagine from her grateful younger friend.

Final thoughts

While the transition to mother love is seldom easy, it becomes wonderful over time. All of the women I interviewed said that while the early months of motherhood were challenging and involved a kind of "psychic earthquake," once they fell in love with their babies and found their mothering community, life got better. Richer. Happier. They felt more competent in caring for their children, and they changed in their self-perceptions.

And what's more, these mothers said they continued to be transformed across the years. For once they had fallen captive to their children, they never wanted to be released from their spell.