The Mealtime Challenge

A family of five is seated around the table for dinner. Dad has just taken a call from yet another solicitor and complains about the interruption. The baby stands in her high chair, refusing to be seated. Her 4-year-old brother squirms as he kneels in his chair, knocking his fork off the table. Big Sister jumps up from her place to switch the TV channel to her favorite program. Mom just wants to get dinner over with so she can clean up the kitchen and possibly relax a little before the bedtime routine.

Could this be a scene from your family's life? In today's hurried world, the picture of an idyllic family sitting happily around the dining table is often just a dream. But you can meet the mealtime challenge with a few simple but deliberate steps.

Enlist your child's help. Setting the table, pouring beverages, putting out bread and other age-appropriate chores not only give children a role in the meal but also teach responsibility.

Turn off the television and consider letting the answering machine take your calls. Start your meals peacefully by cutting out distractions. These are opportunities to enhance relationships. You are sharing more than food; you are sharing your lives. Removing distractions lets children know that this special family time takes precedence.

Begin with a short prayer. Heartfelt thanksgiving quiets your thoughts and helps you focus on this time with your family.

Use a high chair or booster seat for small children. Habits are formed early, and children who kneel in their chairs form a habit that eventually needs to be broken. You might as well start them out right. A properly fitting chair makes it easier for your child to feed himself, eliminates the constant shifting to get comfortable and cuts down on accidental spills. For their safety as well as good discipline, babies who want to stand can be strapped in their high chairs.

Encourage proper table manners. Children learn fine motor skills at different ages, but some children may be set back in their ability to use a fork or spoon because they are allowed to feed themselves too early. Frustrated by a task too difficult for them, they use their fingers for everything and form a bad habit. It may be efficient and tolerable at age 2, but not at 7. Finger foods have their place, but help your toddler to solidify the association between food and fork.

Instill other good table manners such as the using of a napkin properly, chewing with the mouth closed, keeping elbows off the table and out of others' way, and politely requesting and passing food.

When it is necessary to correct your child at the table, do it quietly and gently . It takes time to learn. Praise children after a meal in which they remembered a specific manner. In a public place, save corrections for your child until you're out of the sight or sound of others in order not to embarrass her.

Keep the conversation pleasant. This includes the topic, the tone and the volume. Lay down some rules against bickering, picking on each other and boisterous behavior at the table. But encourage talking, questions and laughing.

Do not fuss over spilled cups, bowls and dropped silverware. Accidents happen, especially to children, who do not yet have complete control of their limbs and who are adjusting to their own growth. Respect their limitations and their feelings. Just clean it up. A friend told me of an incident he witnessed at a restaurant.

Another family with a young boy about 6 years old was seated near him. When the young boy accidentally spilled his water, the father reacted with harsh words and sent his son to stand in the corner. Such punishment would have been inappropriate in their home, but it was even worse in public. The evening was spoiled for everyone in the restaurant as they felt the embarrassment of this little boy.

Be realistic about your child's appetite. Do you get full sometimes before you have finished everything? Are there foods you just don't like or some that don't agree with you? Remember this when deciding what and how much your child should eat. Avoid turning mealtime into a battleground. This is a battle you are not likely to win.

If your child is continually refusing to eat what you serve, look for the reason. Does he eat too many sweets or snacks? Try cutting sweet treats to once a day, perhaps after dinner, and giving nutritious snacks. Then again, she may be allergic or intolerant to something in the food. Our daughter never ate nuts, and when she was 12 we discovered she had a severe allergy to them. Children will instinctively dislike foods that don't agree with them.

Perhaps he is waging a battle for control, knowing he has a better chance of winning in this arena. If that is the case, the problem may have nothing to do with food and everything to do with discipline. Encourage but don't force your child to try new foods. Offer a new food with the assumption that he will like it. I remember offering a friend's toddler some barley pilaf, and the mother told me, "She won't like that." Her child had never had barley pilaf. The mother was merely responding to how she thought she herself would like it. Her daughter ate a spoonful and asked for more.

Require permission before leaving the table. "May I be excused, please?" Start this at an early age, even when the only word he knows is out. Say the words for him, and ask him to repeat them. At first, you will get only one or two pieces of it, but he knows he is asking to be excused. Eventually, he will be able to say it all.

This simple request gives you time to consider whether or not you and your child are ready for the next activity. Does he need to wash his hands, take his dishes to the sink, put away his toys before a nap or finish his schoolwork?

Be thoughtful of others when you take your family out to eat. What might be considered acceptable at home may not be in public. For example, excusing a youngster from the table to wander around the restaurant puts your child, other guests and restaurant staff at risk for accidents.

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Other Things to Consider

Transitions: Changing Jobs, Moving

Relationships: Communication Gaps

Parenting Teens: Communication Problems