Following the Leader: Helping Your Husband Find His Place in the Home

by Carolyn MacInnes

The wreckage overwhelmed me the moment I crossed the threshold. A woman screamed. Children wailed. On all sides lay evidence of explosions; the ruins of battles nobody had won.

They spotted me then, approaching rapidly. Eyes blazing, each cried out to me, together spawning a cacophonous shriek. I reached up to cover my ears, but they grabbed my arms with brute force.

"Please!" I gasped. "Wait! Please!"

But their insatiable hunger would not be satisfied until they had consumed me €¦

A scene from a war movie? An explorer's diary? A black-and-white zombie flick?

Or maybe, your husband's account of arriving at home after work.

Moms, do you ever wonder why dad doesn't "connect" with the family? Ever lament his hesitant parenting or failure to guide the family in matters of faith? Maybe it's because "home" sometimes feels like enemy territory to him. Maybe fatherhood is a jungle of expectations he fears he can't navigate. Maybe he doesn't know how to communicate with the creatures lurking around the house! If nagging, griping and pleading have failed you, try these gentle nudges to help him find his place in your home.

Give him space. We and the kids often want to unload on Dad the moment he gets home. But when will he listen best: when he's mentally shifting gears from work to home, or after he's had some downtime? For quality communication, deliberately pick €“ or schedule €“ a time when you know you'll have his full attention. He needs space to transition into his evening activities. Of course, so do you. So make an arrangement. He gets 15 minutes to "de-compress" and read the mail or change clothes after work. Then you get 15 minutes after dinner. Extend this principle on the weekends, so that each of you gets an hour of uninterrupted time to yourself while the other watches the kids.
Let him dream. Yes, let him fantasize about buying that Mustang hot rod or building your next home €“ even if it terrifies you. When husbands announce these "crazy" notions, our instinct is to protect the family. So we douse his dreams with the cold water of reality, and we believe everyone is safe again. But to keep a happy, fulfilled husband, our best bet is to let him explore his ideas. Often, they'll fade on their own. But when they don't, we can pray that the Lord will work it out for the best. As Marla Weeks, a MOPS mentor mom, puts it, "Let him dream, and trust that God will save you and the kids from your husband!"
Don't criticize his parenting. You and your husband won't always handle every situation the same way. Even subtle putdowns €“ especially in front of the kids or other people €“ will only make him less likely to listen or try the next time. (As Proverbs 19:13 reminds us, a wife who nags is as irritating as dripping water!) If his discipline concerns you, address it in private. And whenever you can, praise his attempts.
Help him see the value of spending time with the kids. Dads play differently, according to Joan E. LeFebvre, Family Living Agent for the University of Wisconsin-Extension. They are more physical and vigorous. They direct activities in a way that stimulates growth and teamwork. Her research also indicates that kids with involved dads enjoy better school performance, self-esteem, career success and relationships. Encourage your husband to spend one-on-one time with each child. And keep LeFebvre's words in mind: "Men who believe they are good fathers and who think that their wives think they are good fathers are more likely to be involved with their children."
Develop female friendships. We put a lot of pressure on our husbands when we expect them to meet all of our emotional needs. No one person can do that. By nurturing friendships with women, we have another outlet €“ and our husbands can stop trying to fix the unfixable! Besides, a new UCLA study shows that relationships with the girls relax us. When women gather in times of stress, a hormone called oxytocin is released, producing a calming effect.
Encourage him to be the family's spiritual leader. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to do it ourselves €“ but God intended men to be the leaders of the household (Eph. 5:23). We can respectfully €“ and prayerfully €“ encourage husbands to participate in family devotions or church activities €“ and to help them understand why their role is important. Author Warren Mueller wrote that if both parents attend church regularly, 72 percent of their children will remain faithful. If kids only attend with mom, 15 percent remain faithful. If they attend with neither parent, 6 percent remain faithful. If they attend with only dad, 55 percent of children continue following in the faith.