Not What I'd Expected

by Sarah Tillman*

I remember my mother's words, "If all your friends are like you, then you have the wrong friends." For so long, all my friends were like me. I was born into a conservative family, faithful to Christian beliefs and values. My parents' beliefs and mine were the same as most of the people around us. I questioned my beliefs as they were being solidified, but in the end, they ran congruent with the values of my upbringing.

As it turns out, I married someone with a completely different religious and moral upbringing. Ironically enough, choices we'd both made as adults left us congruent in our beliefs. We now share a similar worldview and spiritual outlook. His family, however, is very different.

My father-in-law is in a relationship with another man. Several years ago, he announced this relationship to the family. We've sought to understand this decision, though it has been difficult to grasp. My husband and his father have a strong bond and enjoy a relationship of mutual trust and respect, but my ideals of the perfect Thanksgiving dinners, joyous get-togethers and easy family trees are not the reality that I live.

When my husband and I had our first child, our family relationships seemed even more complicated. Now there are tiny feet that follow us wherever we go; tiny ears hear what we say; tiny eyes observe all that is within sight; and a tiny mind grasps more than we even expect. We are the greatest influence on our daughter, therefore it's imperative that we take this very seriously. We haven't necessarily changed our moral convictions as much as we've tightened them.

Our first goal is to teach our daughter love and compassion and to show kindness to others. Simple concept that this is, it is often complicated by the hate around us, and we want her to see the difference love makes. We want her to feel comfortable not just around those who share our beliefs, but also around those with whom we differ. That's the true test of genuine love and compassion.

Love and compassion often begin with seeing beyond someone's exterior. In our family, this opportunity comes in the form of embracing my father-in-law. Given our moral standing on his lifestyle choice, we have engaged in many heart-to-heart conversations with him, seeking an understanding of what is behind his choice. These conversations are always in non-threatening settings with no judgments cast. We listen, but we also openly share our feelings, insights and sense of responsibility to our daughter. She has been entrusted to us, and we are ultimately accountable to teach her our values on this subject, as well as others. Both our perspectives and my father-in-law's views have been well-received, and there is unity and understanding among us.

The Bible, which is the source of our moral standards, tells us in Nehemiah that God is forgiving, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. We, with God's power, also have the potential to treat each other with such respect and love. Though we may not agree or accept the choices of others, we are to simply love and show compassion as we would like it shown to us. It's the golden rule in action. As our daughter grows up, we will continue to guide her and encourage her to remain true to her values and beliefs. And we hope she will never choose hate over love.

I've learned a great lesson. The family I grew up in game me a framework to base my life on, and my new family is a gift to teach me how to love even better. I didn't grow up believing you only love when it feels comfortable. Instead, I am to love the way I hope to be loved back, simply embracing those placed in my life and reserving judgment. While another family might have fit more comfortably with my ideal, I've been placed in my family for a reason.

*Name has been changed.