Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Why does it hurt so much?

Why do broken relationships hit us so hard? Part of the happiness in a close, loving relationship comes from being loved by the other person. Consider the parent-child relationship. Usually it is a two-way love relationship. If your father (or mother) dies, you know he didn't die because he stopped caring for you. He simply died, and you accept that. When a pet dies or even runs away, you realize it wasn't because your pet didn't care for you.

But when a relationship breaks up, it's different. The love and care that once existed for you is dried up. It's vanished into thin air. The other person still exists. You may still see each other from time to time, which makes it even more difficult.

Secondary losses

As you experience the loss of this relationship, at first you experience the absence of the person. But every loss carries with it a series of secondary losses as well. And each of these must be identified, grieved over, and in some way let go. Think of the various losses you've experienced.

A while ago you were a couple. The couple relationship is now gone. The activities you shared are gone.

Your schedule together may have included daily phone calls or Friday and Saturday date nights. All those rituals are gone. And you feel the emptiness. Your other losses could include:

  • the interdependency you created
  • hopes and dreams for the future
  • your ex-partner's family members with whom you bonded
  • how you felt by having this person as a part of your life
  • gifts or affirmations you were accustomed to receiving
  • help you received on a regular basis from your ex

Often you leave some of your single friends behind as you invest more time and energy into this new relationship. It may not be intentional, it just happens. You may not think about it much because it takes place gradually as you experience the delight of a new relationship. You're also entering your partner's world and will make new friends. Your world becomes more and more of a couple's world.

But when the relationship ends, you're likely to feel a huge secondary loss. The newly acquired friends may not linger, so you're left with a void. Some of them may feel torn. You may have really clicked with some of them, but their initial loyalty was with your ex. What's more, the friends you had back when you were single may have forgotten about you.

I mention these secondary losses to make you aware of them. Often, in the aftermath of a breakup, one's vision is so clouded that it's difficult to see the many different losses. But because each of these losses needs to be grieved over, it's important to identify them.

How long?

"Norm, how long? How long is this pain going to last? How long is it going to take for me to recover? When will the thoughts, the feelings, the memories go away so I can go on with my life?" I hear these questions frequently because I work with many people who are experiencing grief in some way over the loss of a relationship.

I'm not sure I can give you an exact answer, because the estimates vary. We do know, however, when you lose a close loved one in what is called a "normal" death, the average length of time for recovery is about two years. With an accidental death, it's three years.

The authors of Letting Go, a book about recovering from a broken heart, concluded that the average amount of time it takes for haunting memories to subside and for normal functioning to return was usually one half the duration of the relationship. This conclusion was based on interviews with those who suffer from depression, feelings of inadequacy, and loss of self-esteem. Their finding indicates it would take two years to recover from the loss of a four-year relationship, six years to recover from the loss of a twelve-year relationship, and so on. But the authors also say that the length of recovery time will vary according to the individual and the intensity of the relationship.1

Another pair of authors describes the emotional state of people who break up as "love shock," which is a mixture of numbness, disorientation, emptiness, and anxiety. It is similar to a crisis reaction or grieving over any kind of loss. They suggest it takes more people about a year to complete their "love shock" experience, but it's not unusual for the process to take longer.2

Here's a good rule of thumb: the more you learn how to cope with crisis and the more knowledgeable you are about grief, the faster you will be able to recover. Learning about grief and realizing that what you're experiencing is normal can lift some of your discomfort. And remember, don't try to go through this experience by yourself. We recover better when another person walks with us on the path of recovery.

You and your grief can't be pushed. There's no fast-forward button. You'll recover in stages with some periods of calm in between. Stabilizing your life involves acceptance of the fact that your life as you knew it for the last year or two or three will never be the same again. It also involves realizing that regardless of how you feel, you have a full life before you a life full of purpose and meaning.

1 Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cobot, Letting Go, (New York: Dell Books, 1978), 11-12.
2 Stephen Gullo and Connie Church, Love Shock: How to Recover from a Broken Heart and Live Again (New York: Bantam Books, 1988), 26

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