Understanding the Stormy Teen Years
Adolescence is a fascinating and crazy time of life. It reminds me of the early space probes that blasted off from Cape Canaveral in Florida.
I remember my excitement in the early 1960s when Colonel John Glenn and the other astronauts embarked on their perilous journeys into space.
People who lived through those years will recall that a period of maximum danger occurred as each spacecraft was re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The flier inside was entirely dependent on the heat-shield at the bottom of the capsule to protect him from temperatures in excess of 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
If the craft descended at the wrong angle, the astronaut would be burned to cinders. At that precise moment of anxiety, negative ions would accumulate around the capsule and prevent all communication with the earth for about seven minutes.
The world waited breathlessly for news of the astronaut's safety. Then, a reassuring voice would break in to say, €śThis is Mission Control. We have made contact with Friendship Seven. Everything is A-Okay. Splashdown is imminent. €ť Cheers and prayers went up in restaurants, banks, airports and millions of homes across the country.
The analogy to adolescence is not so difficult to recognize. After the training and preparation of childhood are over, a pubescent youngster marches out to the launching pad. His mother watches apprehensively as he climbs aboard a capsule called adolescence and waits for his rockets to fire. She wishes she could go with him, but there is room for just one person in the spacecraft. Without warning, the rocket engines begin to roar and the €śumbilical cord €ť falls away. €śLiftoff! We have liftoff! €ť screams the boy's mother.
Junior, who was a baby only yesterday, is on his way to the edge of the universe. A few weeks later, his mother goes through the scariest experience of her life: She loses all contact with the capsule. €śNegative ions €ť have interfered with communication at a time when she most wants to be assured of her son's safety. Why won't he talk to her?
This period of silence does not last a few minutes as it did with Colonel Glenn and friends. It may continue for years. The same kid who used to talk a mile a minute and ask a million questions has now reduced his vocabulary to: €śI dunno, €ť €śMaybe, €ť €śI forget, €ť €śHuh?, €ť €śNope!, €ť €śYeah, €ť €śWho, me? €ť and €śHe did it. €ť Otherwise, only €śstatic €ť comes through the receivers groans, grunts, growls and gripes. What an apprehensive time it is for those who wait on the ground.
Years later when Mission Control believes the spacecraft to have been lost, a few scratchy signals are picked up unexpectedly from a distant transmitter. Mom is jubilant as she hovers near the radio. Was that really his voice?
It is deeper and more mature than she remembered. Her spacey son has made a deliberate effort to correspond with her! He was 14 years old when he blasted into space, and now he is nearly 20. Could it be that the negative environment has been swept away and communication is again possible?
Yes. For most families, that is precisely what happens. After years of quiet anxiety, parents learn to their great relief that everything is A-Okay on board the spacecraft. The €śsplashdown €ť occurring during the early 20s can then be a wonderful time of life for both generations.
Isn't there some way to avoid this blackout period and the other stresses associated with the adolescent voyage? Not with some teenagers, perhaps the majority. It happens in the most loving and intelligent of families. Why? Because of two powerful forces that overtake and possess boys and girls in the early pubescent years.
Hormonal forces
The first and most important change that occurs in adolescents is hormonal in nature. I believe parents and even behavioral scientists have underestimated the impact of the biochemical changes occurring in puberty. We can see the effect of these hormones on the physical body, but something equally dynamic is occurring in the brain.
If that explanation is accurate, then what implications does it have for parents of early adolescents? Understanding this glandular upheaval makes it easier to tolerate and cope with the emotional reverberations that are occurring. For several years, some kids are not entirely rational.
Just as a severely menopausal woman may accuse her innocent and bewildered husband of infidelity, a hormonally depressed teenager may not interpret his world accurately. His social judgment is impaired. Therefore, don't despair when it looks like everything you have tried to teach your kid seems to have been forgotten. He is going through a metamorphosis that has turned everything upside down. But stick around. He'll get his legs under him again!
Social forces
The other change that helps to create havoc during adolescence is social in nature. It is common knowledge that a 12- or 13-year-old child suddenly awakens to a brand-new world around him, as though his eyes were opening for the first time. That world is populated by age-mates who scare him out of his wits. His greatest anxiety, far exceeding the fear of death, is the possibility of rejection or humiliation in the eyes of his peers. This ultimate danger will lurk in the background for years, motivating him to do things that make absolutely no sense to the adults who watch. It is impossible to comprehend the adolescent mind without understanding this terror of the peer group.
For girls, there is no greater social dominance than physical beauty. Boys derive power from physical attractiveness, too, but also from athletic accomplishment in certain prescribed sports, from owning beautiful cars and from learning to be cool under pressure. Typically, power games are more physical for adolescent males than females. The bullies literally force their will on those who are weaker.
Why have I reminded you of the world of adolescent power? Because your teenagers are knee-deep in it right now. That is why they are nervous wrecks on the first day of school or before the team plays its initial game or any other time when their power base is on the line. The raw nerve is not really dominance, but self-esteem. One's sense of worth is dependent on peer acceptance at that age, and that is why the group holds such enormous influence over the individual. If he is mocked, disrespected, ridiculed and excluded, he is stripped of his power and his delicate ego is torn to shreds. As we have said, that is a fate worse than death itself.
So what can you do to help him navigate the course before him? Read the following article for some suggestions on how to begin this journey.
Background Information
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Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
