The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Create a special occasion to talk about abstaining from sex until marriage. Early in your child's adolescence, plan a special evening (or a weekend away from home) during which the importance of preserving sex for marriage is the central focus. This time, shared by the teen and both parents, could culminate in the presentation of a special token a necklace, ring or key, for example which symbolizes commitment to an abstinent lifestyle.
If your adolescent has already had sexual experiences, make it clear that it is never too late to make a commitment to reserve sex for marriage. This important concept is called "secondary virginity" and should be strongly encouraged among adolescents who have been sexually active.
Continue sending healthy messages about sexuality throughout your son's or daughter's adolescent years.
The best time to build a solid foundation about sexuality is before puberty. But even if you've never discussed the subject directly, you still send all kinds of signals about your attitudes over the course of time.
- Your adolescent needs to know you are comfortable with the subject. If you seem embarrassed, flustered, ashamed or unapproachable whenever the topic comes up, your teenager will look elsewhere for input.
- Don't hesitate to broach the subject yourself. Adolescents are reluctant to bring up sexual subjects with their parents, and your chances of having one or more conversations may be nil unless you take the initiative.
- Be careful how you talk about someone else's sexual issues. News of a crisis pregnancy in another family can provide a powerful teachable moment, for good or ill. If you give a clear signal that the nonmarital sex was wrong but respond with compassion (and prayer) for the people involved, you make it clear that you can be approached if anyone at home has a problem. But if your response sounds something like "Don't you ever do something as stupid/shameful/evil as this," you could block potentially critical communication in the future. Crisis pregnancy centers routinely find that many of their most difficult clients are the daughters of good, moral, upright, churchgoing parents. "I can't tell Mom and Dad it'll kill them (or they'll kill me)" is their common refrain as they head for the abortion clinic.
- Talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships , and train your adolescent to avoid situations that increase the likelihood of a sexual incident.
- Make them streetwise about the general course of relationships , dating, risky situations and the ugly reality of date rape.
- Encourage supervised, structured, non-pressuring group activities with the opposite sex as opposed to single dating situations, especially for adolescents in junior high and early high school. The object should be to learn how to talk and have fun without romantic expectations or sexual pressure. Group activities such as church picnics or youth group outings are generally healthier than dances or other situations in which pairing up is necessary.
- Talk to your adolescent about the qualities that ultimately matter in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex.
- Shared values (especially spiritual orientation), mutual respect, easy conversation and enjoyment of everyday activities count far more heavily in the long run than good looks, money, popularity or intense romantic attraction.
Talk to your adolescent about unhealthy relationships, and have the courage to speak honestly if you see one developing:
Relationships that ride a roller coaster of emotions being madly in love one day, fighting like cats and dogs the next, crying and making up over and over distract and drain a couple's time and energy and wear out everyone else for miles around. They also turn into difficult marriages.
Relationships in which one person is intensely needy for the other , and thus clingy and smothering, are parasitic and draining.
Relationships that have ongoing verbal disrespect in one or both directions are doomed.
Relationships in which physical abuse occurs must be terminated immediately.
(An important note: Unhealthy relationships carry a significant risk for sexual involvement.)
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Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
