media influence

Question and Answer

I'm troubled by some of the CDs showing up in our home. How do we set a music standard for our 13-year-old daughter?

This is no easy undertaking. But it's necessary. Be patient with her and, while you're at it, don't be too hard on yourself. Perhaps even more important than her music choices is your ability to maintain a productive, long-term relationship with her. Don't let one suffer at the hands of the other. With that in mind, consider the following:

  • As a parent, you have the right to limit what comes into your home — whether played openly or on headphones. You can also screen radio stations. Don't get sidetracked by the "privacy" or "rights" arguments many teens present.

  • Clarify what's in and out of bounds … and why. Focus on the lyrics rather than musical style. Come up with a clear standard based on content. Acknowledge your own biases. You may not like rap or hip pop, but your stylistic preferences shouldn't dictate what qualifies as unacceptable.

  • Once you've established a standard, communicate it to your daughter. If it helps, put it in writing. You may want to pre-approve music purchases for a while until you feel she understands the criteria. Be ready to return CDs that don't measure up (many music stores allow this). It can be a very difficult time for both of you. Be patient. Listen to her and read the lyrics together in order to make your decision. Seek out good music reviews and talk with other parents who share your concern.

  • Realize your limitations. You can't control her entire music diet. Accept it. Focus on what you can control: your home and your vehicle. The goal is to lovingly teach discernment, not enforce a legalistic code.

  • Some of the music purchased prior to your setting the household standard may prove troublesome. It still needs to go, but perhaps as a gesture of good faith you could either replace those CDs with approved discs appealing to your daughter, or buy them back at a depreciated rate. Also, let her put your music to the same test. Remember, this is a "family standard" not a "teen standard."

  • If your daughter buys a disc that fails the test, she has a tough choice to make. She can either return it or destroy it and be out the cash. If you've made your biblically based standard clear, she can't argue, "It's not fair, you didn't say anything about this CD!" Remind her that if she's ever in doubt, she should check with you before buying the disc.

In all cases, be patient, fair, clear about the standard and even-handed when evaluating music. Be a teacher, not the CD Gestapo. Be willing to admit if and when you're wrong, and don't compromise what you believe is right for your family.

Answered by Tim Sanford and Tim Geare
Answered by Tim Sanford and Tim Geare in Growing Pains: Advice for Parents of Teens. Copyright © 1999 Focus on the Family.

Background Information

How Violent Media Affects the Brain
New research cements a link between violent video games and increased levels of violence in teens

The Power of the Media
It's hard to deny that music and visual images have tremendous sticking power. But do those lingering sensations really make a difference?

When Life Imitates Art
We need to be very careful about what we allow ourselves to watch and listen to. Examples of others who didn't make wise choices are numerous, and some of them are frightening.

Questions and Answers

What are the long-term consequences when children watch violent and sexual content on television?
Answer

What is your opinion of video games?
Answer

Review Frequently Asked Questions

Stories

Guiding Your Teen Through the Media Landmines
My teenage son and I are catching on to a few new lessons: the importance of trusting God and why some movies and music lyrics are not acceptable.

If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.
Share Your Story

Other Things to Consider

Media Modeling: Setting an Example for our Teens
Isn't it assuring, in this age of menacing media, that V-chips and Internet filters can help us monitor our teens? Regrettably, we still lack mechanisms to help us set boundaries for ourselves.

Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?

Related Topics

Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children

Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest