media influence
Guiding Your Teen Through the Media Landmines
An endless train of "No's" barreled through Justin's life. No secular music. No PG-13 movies. No violent or raunchy video games.
"Why don't you trust me?" Justin said. "I won't do anything bad."
"I do trust you, Justin," I said. "It's the world I don't trust."
"But I'm almost thirteen, and I still can't see movies eight-year-olds can. It's dumb."
Despite his grumbling, I felt justified in saying no. After all, the Bible urges us to refuse worldly passions. Besides, saying no was easier. I didn't have to think about my answer. I didn't have to research reviews and ratings. I didn't have to worry about other Christians judging my parental boundaries.
What I didn't realize was that just saying no didn't teach him to make good media choices. Worse, it taught him how to pass judgment on others. He repeatedly informed me that he told his friends that the movies they watched and video games they played were bad.
"Justin, it's not your job to tell your friends what they should do. You need to love them and lead them by your example."
It took time for me to realize that my efforts to protect Justin did more harm than good; it derailed my parenting train—with Justin in it. I knew I needed to add a second rail for stability.
My husband, Derek, and I agreed to say yes as often as we could. We didn't want Justin to think Christianity was all about restricting him from doing fun stuff. We needed to find a new balance—not an immediate no, but not an instant yes either.
Riding the "Yes" and "No" rails created steadiness right away. I challenged Justin to ask himself: "What would Jesus do?" There were fewer arguments and more smiles. Justin was listening and learning. Months later, I thought we had made great progress.
I was wrong.
Needing to compromise
"Hey, can we go see that new movie this weekend?" Justin asked. "Andrew said it was so funny and that there are only a few bad parts."
Derek reminded him to read the online review.
"Why do you always have to look it up? Don't you believe . . .?" Justin said.
"Yes, we believe you," I said. We just need to know what it's about."
"I already told you. There are only a few bad parts."
It seemed the sexual references, alcohol use and raunchy language didn't phase Justin one bit.
While Derek used this as a teachable moment, I was too mad and disappointed to speak. Calming myself, I kept in mind the bumps and detours kids face growing up. I also prayed for wisdom, reflected on Galatians 6:9 and sought the counsel of other parents. Then, I remembered Justin's growth—a recent confession for watching an inappropriate movie.
This hasn't been an easy task. Justin still asks and argues his point. Derek gets tired of hearing the same discussions when he returns each day from work. And I'm still one-track minded more often than not. But Derek and I have found ways to replace no with yes.
Creating boundaries for teens and parents
Yes: to checking out secular CDs at the library—after I skim the lyrics and check for a warning label.
Yes: to browsing a Christian bookstore while Justin samples Christian music.
Yes: to buying Justin an MP3 player. Now, Derek or I screen Justin's song choices. No more raunchy radio commercials or DJ talk.
Yes: to buying Christian music videos on DVD, an alternative to MTV—an absolute no.
Yes: to PG-13 movies we okay—sometimes a great way to discuss character with a teenager.
While these concessions have worked for our family, they might not work for you. For my family, traveling on dual tracks is better than traveling on just one track.
Thankfully, Justin is learning how to make wise media choices; he's learning why certain movies and songs are not acceptable. Derek is learning to handle his family with patience. And I'm learning to trust God more.
What lesson have I learned? I'm not the train conductor. God is. I'm a passenger just like Justin. But with God behind the controls, I can trust that my family will stay on track.
Background Information
How Violent Media Affects the Brain
New research cements a link between violent video games and increased levels of violence in teens
The Power of the Media
It's hard to deny that music and visual images have tremendous sticking power. But do those lingering sensations really make a difference?
When Life Imitates Art
We need to be very careful about what we allow ourselves to watch and listen to. Examples of others who didn't make wise choices are numerous, and some of them are frightening.
Questions and Answers
I'm troubled by some of the CDs showing up in our home. How do we set a music standard for our 13-year-old daughter?
Answer
What are the long-term consequences when children watch violent and sexual content on television?
Answer
What is your opinion of video games?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Media Modeling: Setting an Example for our Teens
Isn't it assuring, in this age of menacing media, that V-chips and Internet filters can help us monitor our teens? Regrettably, we still lack mechanisms to help us set boundaries for ourselves.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
