What Teens Believe about Divorce and Marriage

Laura knows a lot about her teenage daughter, Irena. She knows her best friends, what she wants to study when she goes to college, and how she acts when she €™s afraid. But, she doesn €™t know how divorce will affect her daughter and Laura €™s thinking about getting one.

Laura wants to leave Irena €™s father because she says she doesn €™t love him anymore. To justify her decision, she tells herself that the environment is not healthy for her daughter because her father doesn €™t pay much attention to her. And, because Irena €™s in high school, it €™s a better time to split than when she was in elementary school, right?

What Laura hasn €™t considered is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. If she gets divorced now, no matter how old Irena is, statistics show it will undermine her daughter €™s sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage.

Laura doesn €™t know that watching her parents divorce can cause Irena to doubt her ability to make her own marriage knot stayed tied. And, according to experts, even though Irena will probably be more cautious and careful in choosing a marriage partner, and will be determined not to get divorced, she will have a higher chance of divorcing than if Laura stays with her husband.

Irena could become part of the 61 percent of teens in a report done by Rutgers University who believe that marriage is €œvery important € but don €™t believe that lifelong love is possible.

Like one anonymous teen on a Internet divorce recovery site, Irena might think, €œIt used to really tick me off to hear how kids of divorced and separated parents tend to get into more relationship problems later on. I felt like, €˜Oh gee, thanks a lot, I'm now doomed to be a screw-up. €™ €

Unfortunately, many teens feel just like this girl. According to the National Survey of Children, 10 male and 7 in 10 female teens believe that €œwhen parents divorce, children develop permanent emotional problems. €

Could this be true for Irena, too?

According to the Rutgers study, €œDivorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long-lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood. €

What does this mean? Laura may want to reconsider splitting from her husband. However, if divorce is inevitable, she should have one or more heartfelt discussions with Irena to let her know that she doesn €™t have to become a statistic. Irena will need confidence to know there are healthier ways of conducting a marital relationship than what she has witnessed.

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Other Things to Consider

RelationshipsBlended Families, Parents and Adult Children

TransitionsPreparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest