Healthy Communication With Your Ex

Even after divorce, we're in a relationship with our ex-spouse and others with whom we will have difficulty communicating. Part of our own healing process is learning not to hurt others, because we only hurt ourselves more. To keep communication healthy, use these guidelines for the three ways in which we communicate: in person, on the phone, and in letters.

Communicating in person

  • Be consistent. Make sure your body language and facial expressions are consistent with your words. We can use honeyed words or a sweet tone of voice and still send darts with our eyes.
  • Breathe. If your emotions become too overwhelming, learn to breathe slowly or ask that the conversation be continued later. Leave if you have to.
  • Bring a friend. If in the past talking to the other person has resulted in violence or verbal attack, take another person with you. The police will accompany women who are afraid of abuse.
  • Back off. If the other person is emotionally closed, don't keep talking and explaining. You get angry and he gets irritated. Just wait for a better time.
  • Break out the stationery. If the conversation is not working, continue later or write him a letter. Letters are a perfect option for communicating clearly and without emotions. They also allow the other person time to digest what you say. Letters leave a paper trail preventing misunderstandings about dates, times, or exactly what was said.
  • Bounce it back. If he attacks you verbally, answer, "I refuse to receive that. I need to be respected in this conversation and, if you're not able to do that right now, we should continue this later." Don't act snotty, superior, or self-righteous. Be kind. If he continues to bait you into an argument, leave calmly and quietly.

Communicating on the phone

Talking on the phone is more common when ex-spouses have trouble getting along in person, but it can still be a set-up for the rejection connection. Some of the following techniques work well on the phone or in person:

  • Role-play. Practice with a friend or your counselor and have him or her pretend to verbally attack you, manipulate, or otherwise set you up for an argument. Practicing new healthy ways to respond helps them come automatically when you need them!
  • Mirror back what they say. "What I hear you saying is that you'd rather have a separate appointment to see the kids' teachers. Is that right?" That gives you the chance to slow down and consider what he is saying before blurting back out of your emotions. It also gives him the chance to clarify any misunderstanding and, hopefully, to get a hold of his own emotions.
  • Get to the bottom line. If you find yourself or the other person going off on tangents or around in circles, bring it to a close. "So, the bottom line is that you will not be there at 6:00 p.m. but you will be there at 7:00, right? See you then." If they repeat the tangential thread, bring them back again. Repeat yourself if necessary.
  • Not up for discussion. When you shut a door, you don't have to slam it. I love the following polite but healthy verbal boundary. It lets the other person know you will not be led down the path to arguments or topics that are none of his business. "Sorry, but (he/she/it) is not up for discussion."
  • Don't "dextify." Part of the rise in our emotions is the other person's failure to hear us, understand us, or validate us. Sometimes that is something he won't or simply just can't give us. Quit defending, explaining, and testifying for yourself (in other words, don't "dextify"). Stick to the facts and get to the bottom line.
  • Ask for a letter. In addition to ending a frustrating conversation by offering to write a note or letter, you can ask him for the same. "I want to consider everything you have to say, but right now I'm having a hard time. Will you write it down and send me a letter/note/email, and I will get back to you in a few hours/days/weeks?" In this way you avoid arguments and still honor and respect the other person.
  • Use the nonviolent hang-up. Hanging up is the standard way to take control over a conversation. Done in anger or self-righteousness it is rude and hurts everyone. Instead, learn to see it as the grown-up version of time out, hanging up only when all other attempts fail, when you have asked for a continuation or letter, and when there is nothing more to say. Tell him courteously, "I'm going to hang up now. I'll talk to you tomorrow after work." Do not wait to hear his response, as tempting as it may be. If you say you are going to hang up, do it. Politely.

Communicating in a letter

Writing notes helps prevent face-to-face confrontations. You don't have to see it as the coward's way out, just an alternate until you are healed enough to talk in person.

Letters are especially helpful in documenting continuing problems. Letters allow you to release your ugly emotions on paper and then clean up the letter before you deliver it. They give the other person time to digest your thoughts and prepare his own response.

When someone walks away from you or hangs up, letters are a good way to make your thoughts and desires known to that other person. Tips for keeping your letters healthy include:

  • Check all the "you" statements. "You" statements are accusatory and inflammatory. Take out the blaming tone by focusing on how you feet and what you want. Don't say, "You hurt the children and me when you fail to show up for their game." Say instead, "We all are disappointed when you don't show up."
  • Correct always and never. No one always hurts the kids or never takes responsibility. Eliminate the emotional exaggeration from your letter and your verbal communications.
  • Clean it up. Imagine the court judge, the attorneys, your friends, and even God reading your letter. Delete any shaming, attacking, and cursing words.
  • Change the part where you ask them to change. "I want you to show up on time from now on." "You'd better call by 8:00 p.m." These statements assume authority over the other person that you do not have. No one likes to be told what to do, and often you are only setting him up to refuse you as his way of keeping control. Instead, just tell him what you will do. "From now on, when you're late we will leave." "Whenever you call too late, I'll need to have the kids call you later." Get the focus off their behavior and back on your own.
  • Clarify the consequences. Threats, warnings, and ultimatums only serve to make everyone feel controlled, out of control, or angry. Instead, learn to set your boundary ahead of time, as well as the consequence that will follow. "If you don't pick up the children, I won't be doing it for you. They'll have to take the bus to day care and you'll have to drive over there to get them. They close at 6:00 p.m. I just want to let you know that when parents don't show by 6:00, they call the cops." Ex-wives who have quit "cleaning up" and let their ex-spouse face the sheriff one time, report it almost always cures him of being late again. Don't worry about the kids, they'll still be safe. Your other choice is to let your ex-husband train you to continue the dance of the angry enabler.
  • Copy your letter. Copy all letters and stick them in a file. When we forget dates and times it helps to have a written reference.
  • Cast off abuse. Throw away any abusive letters you receive. Don't resort to returning them, tearing them up, or rereading them. That only serves to keep you in bondage to the other person's rejection. Whenever you get a nasty letter from someone, you'll probably have to do a quick run-through of the grieving process: shock, anger, grieving, acceptance, and letting go. When you feel the emotions rise, stop to check what your faith says.

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