Out of Bounds

Every person knows at least one user: the insensitive sister who takes advantage of your willingness to baby-sit her child or the friend who always forgets to pay back the money you loaned him. Such "friends" create friction that has the potential to ruin family gatherings, social events and holiday celebrations. They leave the person who has been wronged feeling depressed, depleted and frustrated. Sometimes the violations are more serious than inconvenient, such as abuse or criminal behavior, causing the victim to feel violated and confused. But there is a way out.

You have the power to direct your relationships in a way that will make them better for both you and the other persons involved. You can determine what behaviors are destructive and take steps to eliminate them. You can turn friendships in a positive direction by ending the cycle of dependence and distrust.

The key is clear, strong boundaries, which protect you and your interests in the relationship while still valuing the other person. By creating "rules" for your relationships, you can eliminate unhealthy habits and stop being taken advantage of. Once the rules are established, you must reinforce them to steer destructive and negative behaviors in a positive direction. By carefully considering these rules and applying them consistently and carefully, you can transform your draining and frustrating relationships.

A truly successful relationship is one in which both parties benefit. It's a give-and-take team effort. Each member helps the other in times of need, supports the other emotionally and contributes equally to the relationship. Such friendships, marriages and partnerships are based on mutual trust and understanding and an ability to communicate clearly about needs and feelings. Neither party holds all the power nor exercises too much control. Instead you make decisions together, based on your shared interests. When conflict arises, as it occasionally does, you discuss it and work out a beneficial solution. Such relationships can't exist without boundaries.

Why boundaries?

There are many reasons why relationships stagnate. Most of us suffer from inappropriate motivations that lead us toward destructive friendships. By carefully evaluating why we let others take advantage of us, we can steer our relationships in a more positive direction.

  • I feel so guilty. Guilt is a major factor in the inability to set boundaries. Many people feel guilty about putting their own needs ahead of others. So when a friend asks you to watch her child for a couple of hours, even though you really needed to spend that time getting ready for out of town visitors, you may say yes because you feel your needs aren't that important. On occasion, this reasoning is healthy. If your friend is headed to the emergency room with another child, your willingness to help is a sign of valued friendship. If your friend just wants a few hours to shop by herself or doesn't plan her commitments well, then your acceptance may signal that your relational boundaries aren't strong enough. Telling your friend how you feel and carefully evaluating why you feel the need to say yes every time she asks for something can help you express your own needs more clearly and, when appropriate, put them first.
  • Depending on dependence. Some people need to be needed. They believe that if they don't take control, the other person is doomed to fail. These feelings are a trap. If you think your mother can't survive without you taking her all over town every time she asks, or your adult daughter can't possibly handle her own finances without your help, you may fall into this category. Do you thrive on others' dependence on you? Do you look for ways to help others and then often feel frustrated or disappointed by the outcome? Do you continue to help the people who "need" you, in spite of feeling angry and resentful that they're taking advantage of you? Such anger has the potential to damage your relationships and color the way you view others. By setting clear boundaries and telling those around you when you really want to help and when you really can't, you'll be on your way toward a healthy balance in your relationships.
  • It's my fault. Many people take full responsibility for any and all problems. Somehow you have forced the other person to behave in a way that is destructive to her and leads her down the wrong path. By accepting all of the responsibility for an unhealthy relationship, you damage your self-esteem and create unrealistic expectations for yourself in other relationships. These destructive patterns can lead to emotional and physical problems that can negatively affect every aspect of your life. By setting strong boundaries that help you to assert yourself when appropriate, you can begin to set your relationship on the right track.
  • I don't deserve any better. Feelings of low self-worth can also affect your ability to set boundaries. Many people believe they are not worth loving and often find themselves in relationships with people who don't treat them with love or even respect. If you believe you can't do any better than the person you're with, regardless of how he or she treats you, you may be in this trap. Such relationships set the stage for emotional and physical abuse. You need boundaries that protect you emotionally and physically. For example, if your partner starts yelling, rather than talking it out, you should decide in advance that you'll remove yourself from the situation. In addition to setting clear boundaries, you may also need to seek professional help to improve the way you see yourself and help you to become involved in healthy, loving relationships.
  • Poor relationship choices. For some, the problem may be poor relationship choices. Some people are more attracted to those who are needy or helpless and can't seem to survive on their own. Truthfully, most of these people are superb manipulators and not nearly as helpless as they appear. The key to establishing boundaries in this type of situation is recognizing that meeting someone else's irrational or unreasonable needs is not a sign of a healthy relationship; it's a sign that your partner is using your emotional and financial resources to avoid solving a problem for himself. Decide that you will not extend yourself in ways that make you uncomfortable or feel inappropriate. Then clearly tell the other person, in a kind and caring way, your reasons for refusing to help. Doing so will help you to feel less victimized and your partner to feel more empowered to help herself.

Carefully considered boundaries that are consistently and appropriately applied can lead to positive and successful relationships. But boundaries don't come naturally for most. Setting boundaries and reinforcing them is difficult work. It's worth the effort, though. Once you put your relationships on the right track, you'll reduce your feelings of frustration and disappointment, eliminate your sense of being taken advantage of, and most of all, increase your depth of friendship with the people who matter most to you.

If you are dealing with a difficult relationship and would like to speak with a licensed, professional counselor, please visit our "Consider Counseling" page.

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Love & SexDating, Living Together

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Abuse & AddictionsPornography and Cybersex, Physical and Verbal Abuse