divorce
Question and Answer
“Mom keeps saying bad things about you, Dad,” 12-year-old Derrick told John. At first John thought his ex-wife, Ann, was just going through a phase. But almost a year after the divorce, the demeaning comments continue. What should he do?
“Mom keeps saying bad things about you, Dad,” 12-year-old Derrick told John. At first John thought his ex-wife, Ann, was just going through a phase. But almost a year after the divorce, the demeaning comments continue. What should he do?
While many custody agreements prohibit parents from verbally attacking their exes in front of their children, court edicts don’t always change behavior.
Before John talks with his ex-wife, he should figure out if Ann really said the words Derrick attributes to her. His son might be exaggerating Ann’s comments — or even making up stories — to pit his parents against each other. Knowing Derrick’s and Ann’s personalities will help John assess the accuracy of the information Derrick gives him.
Next, John should let Derrick know of his intention to discuss the matter with Ann. That way, he can communicate the motive behind and the method for his actions. To do this, John could say, “Derrick, for some time now you’ve mentioned negative things that your mother has said about me. I plan to talk with her to see if she and I can agree about what we will and will not say about each other. Then if she has a problem with me or I have one with her, we can keep you out of it.”
Finally, John can ask Ann if she would support such a plan. No matter how she responds, John can still choose not to launch counterattacks on his ex-wife. This is not a matter of “candy coating” Ann’s flaws for Derrick’s sake — there are times when John should voice his concerns — but a decision to respect her in difficult circumstances. John can pray that Derrick will see that his actions speak louder than Ann’s words.
Background Information
Defining Divorce
These are some terms you may hear if considering divorce.
The Effects of Divorce
Divorce harms more of your life than you might think.
When Mom and Dad Split
If divorce brings happiness to the parents, the kids will benefit right?
Questions and Answers
How should a spouse respond to an ex-spouse who undermines the parent-child relationship?
Answer
I would divorce my husband if it were not for my concern for our three children. What does the research say about the impact of divorce on kids?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Loving the Stepmomster
It wasn't easy, but I did grow to accept the woman my dad remarried.
The Way It Wasn't Supposed to Be
Divorce is a hateful thing. But with help, you can mend the torn fabric of your family's life.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
The Worst is Yet to Come
Divorce is hard on kids in the short term. What's troubling is their inability to "bounce back," even years later.
A Perfect Love
After a divorce, some amount of healing can occur through community support and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing can only come from the one who created us.
Forgiveness: What it is and What it Isn't
Understanding and granting forgiveness can help you move past the pain of divorce.
Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?
So many cry out to Him in times of need, but is God really listening? And, more important, does He care?
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