Finding Value in the "Little Things"
I found enormous value in the woman I became at 8:30 a.m., rushing to the office, Starbucks spilling from one hand, files heaped in the other. I arrogantly reminded myself of the valuable years spent in undergraduate and graduate studies, not to mention the vast professional experience I'd acquired ¦ the way I could walk into a meeting, expecting heads to turn and ears to listen. The trappings of my job gave me feelings of worth and a reminder that I was someone of importance. Who wouldn't want to wear the latest tailored look from Nordstrom, find the missing piece in a difficult case, take a business trip to Europe, and at the end of the day, spend time patting the backs of colleagues for a job well done?
After spending years creating this world where I was someone, at the age of 33, I became a mother. My husband and I welcomed a beautiful baby girl to the world. Throughout my pregnancy, I was thrilled at the thought of a tiny person, toes identical to mine, running around the house. In truth, I saw myself patting her on the head each day, waving goodbye, as I hurried off to my world.
Was I in for a surprise! Nothing could have prepared me for the changes my heart went through during the weeks of maternity leave. I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't become one of those stay-at-home-and-have-no-life moms; I was far above that. Nothing seemed more pathetic than to have little to contribute at a party, only to stand in the corner scolding my child while others looked on with the pity I'd felt toward those women in the past.
It wasn't that my entire soul wasn't consumed with the love and commitment I felt for my daughter but I decided to go back to work anyway. I successfully made it through 2 ½ weeks before driving home in a puddle of tears, arms aching to hold the gift I'd been given. My life had changed in ways I couldn't even explain, and eventually, didn't care to try.
I never imagined it would be possible to feel the same level of fulfillment at home that I'd once found at the office. Paperwork on my desk has been replaced by a stack of diapers by the changing table. Negotiations between my office and opposing counsel now sound something like, You can play with Mr. Turtle for five minutes; then it's time to share him with your friend. Multi-tasking is holding the phone to one ear, opening and closing a cabinet with my toes, and stuffing wiggling legs into pajamas at the same time. Dry-clean only suits have given way to Capri pants and slip-on shoes. Hunting for the perfect spa has taken a back seat to hunting for tiny socks stuck to the inside of the dryer. Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? substitutes for Business Weekly. My house is no longer a tribute to European art and monochromatic upholstery, but instead, an obstacle course of sharp-edged blocks, trains that never seem to reach their destinations and wonder saucers that play 39 songs ¦ with lights! And who would think that rush hour on Friday afternoon could be less demanding than managing a house where a tiny person resides?
After nearly a year of being a stay-at-home mom, I'm more convinced than ever that spending this time with my daughter is the greatest honor ever entrusted to me. Someday, I'll no doubt enjoy the challenge of a professional career again, but my understanding of what makes me valuable has changed dramatically. Now, when I walk into a room, appreciation and respect are looking back at me from little blue eyes that sparkle with delight, accompanied by a heartwarming giggle. No paycheck on earth could give me this sense of fulfillment and sheer joy. My daughter has taught me that no validation in the world can compare to the importance of finding out who you are, without any props and feeling peace within yourself.
I wish for my little girl to one day understand that I chose to spend these years with her just because she is, not because of anything she's done. If I had really been paying attention, I probably would have realized long ago that God has offered the same gift to me. Perhaps the most eternal lesson I've learned on my quest to find value is that significance is not found in the external; instead, I've found meaning in the value that comes from creating a safe nest where my family can grow. I'm learning the truth encapsulated in the ancient words of Zephaniah 3:20, At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes.
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Life Pressures: Working Moms, Stay-at-Home Moms
Relationships: Blended Families, Divorce, Parents and Adult Children, Caring for Elderly Parents
