getting married
Question and Answer
We've only been married six months and already my husband is talking about buying a house and setting up several retirement funds. While he's dreaming big, I'm thinking, "How are we going to pay our rent and buy groceries this month?" I'm pleased he's considering our future, but I question whether he's being realistic. What are some realistic financial expectations for newlyweds to have for their first two or three years of marriage?
Several years ago, my wife and I taught a Young Marrieds' Sunday school class at our church. This was a group of sharp couples who had been married anywhere from a few weeks to five years. The first Sunday, we asked each person in the class to identify their biggest adjustment in marriage thus far. Not surprisingly, they pinpointed financial tensions and expectations. These couples had entered marriage thinking they could start where their parents left off: a house full of furniture, two cars, resort vacations, all the clothes they needed, and all the toys they wanted — DVDs, lawn equipment, boats and so on. Never mind that their parents had worked years and years to reach that point.
The gap between expectation and reality — the "coping gap" — needs to be bridged if a marriage is to prosper spiritually, emotionally and financially. Indeed, a marriage will begin on a much sounder foundation, financially speaking, if you follow a few general principles.
First, as the wedding vows indicate, becoming husband and wife means money and possessions are no longer "yours" and "mine," but "ours." The two of you have become one. It isn't your income, your savings account, your home, your car, your debt, or your anything. A selfish attitude regarding money or possessions will most certainly undermine the relationship.
Second, make sure you're both working on establishing good financial habits. For example, don't spend what you don't have. The credit crunch is waiting to devour anyone — including you — and it will unless you jointly determine to delay gratification until the hard cash is in hand. These days, such an attitude is definitely countercultural. But rest assured, it will serve you in good stead throughout your married life. Developing good financial habits will be much easier if you work together on the following:
- Jointly commit your goals to paper.
- Draft your first will.
- Establish charitable giving as a priority.
- Follow the sequential strategy for building financial resources.
- Avoid foolish tax-planning decisions.
- Establish a life insurance program.
- Decide wisely about purchasing your first home.
Third, you need to commit yourselves to constant communication. The two of you may have been raised in families where money matters were handled completely differently. If so, you need to talk about those differences now so you can understand each other and, in turn, build a foundation for mutual understandings about when and how money should be spent. If you start out right, you can avoid a lot of pain and frustration down the road and be miles ahead of most other couples.
Finally, you need to create a budget. It takes roughly two years to set up a workable budget: one year to figure out how much you are spending and what you'd like to spend, and a second year to live according to a first-draft budget to see if it is reasonable. The third year is when a couple can actually begin to live within a realistic budget.
A budget can be the most freeing thing any couple can do financially. It gives you a realistic picture of your financial health and, consequently, gives you a better handle on your decision making.
Background Information
Pundits and Poets on the Rewards of Long-term Marriage
A collection of wit and wisdom that may be just the cure for those mid-term marriage blahs.
Twelve Marriage Killers
Start your marriage off right by guarding yourselves against common pitfalls.
Questions and Answers
Is premarital counseling really necessary?
Answer
Is the desire to marry a virgin legitimate?
Answer
Review Frequently Asked Questions
Stories
Learning to Make Marriage Real
Here's how one newlywed is making her marriage last a lifetime.
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Talk About Misunderstanding
These few, lesser-known truths can help you and your spouse bridge the communication gap.
The Myth of Healthy, Happy Extended Families
When you marry, you become a family in more ways than one.
Your New Family
These principles can help couples have healthy relationships with in-laws — and each other.
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