The Fine Art of Apologizing to Your Children
When Cami was voted freshman princess for the high school winter dance, she was so happy she hardly thought about the fact she'd need a date. In her family, dates were prohibited until age 16. When her dad heard of it, he thought she'd planned the whole thing to get past the dating rule. He blew up. Before the evening was over, Cami was in tears. "I wish I'd never even won princess," she sobbed.
The next morning, however, Cami's dad surprised her with an apology for overreacting. Then he tried extra hard to make the occasion memorable, while at the same time building age-appropriate safeguards into the evening. He approved the boy she asked and required that an adult chaperone them to and from the dance.
As parents, we may fear that if we admit we have been wrong, our authority will be undermined. We struggle with expectations of ourselves. When we fail, it's easier to ignore our shortcomings than admit that we have goofed.
I learned early on that I'm not a perfect parent. I make mistakes, misjudge situations and sometimes lose my temper. My apology won't undo the damage, but it will help restore my relationship with my children and nurture respect.
If we willingly admit our faults, our kids will usually look up to us more, not less. Cami's dad's honesty strengthened her respect for him and increased her willingness to follow his guidelines. If we don't ask for forgiveness, it can drive a wedge between us. Bitterness can develop and poison our relationship for years to come.
When to apologize
If I wrong a friend, I apologize. I should respect my children enough to do the same for them. Even a young child will understand the meaning of an apology. My friend Jeanine admitted, "Some mornings I lose my temper with my son when he dawdles getting ready for school. Rather than send him off hurt and angry though, I always give him a hug before the bus comes and tell him I'm sorry.
"'It's okay, Mom,' he says happily and squeezes me in return before he goes out the door."
In The Key to Your Child's Heart, Gary Smalley tells of an incident when he hurt his son by punishing him unjustly. During an important telephone call, his 5-year-old began screaming so loudly that Gary couldn't hear. He hurriedly finished the call and paddled the child for screaming while he was on the phone. Then Smalley realized that in his frustration, he had not asked for an explanation. When he did, he learned that the child had fallen and cut himself. Ashamed, Smalley sincerely asked forgiveness and then spent time talking with his son, hugging him and allowing his son time to heal from the hurt.
By asking a child to forgive us, we recognize his worth and show respect. Respect from an adult, especially a parent, increases his self-esteem.
Apologizing to a child also models appropriate behavior. Roberta has a special-needs son who is sometimes stubborn. Her husband, Tom, occasionally loses patience with him. Once Tom punished the child in anger. Afterward, Tom apologized to his son for disciplining while still angry. Then Tom apologized to the other children as well for being a poor example. "Tom's willingness to be open with the children has helped all of us be more considerate toward each other," Roberta says. "Our children often ask forgiveness when they have wronged each other or one of us."
For similar reasons I apologized to both my husband and our daughter after I had yelled at him once. I realized that for a child to see a loved one hurt, especially a parent, can damage her as much as if she were the one receiving the unkindness.
We cannot force a child to ask forgiveness from the heart, but we can provide an example for him. When we apologize we should concentrate on our own wrong. Jeanine's apology for losing patience with her son would have been useless if she had added, "But you were really being a slowpoke, you know." Of course, later she might want to talk with her son about ways to be ready on time.
How to say "I'm sorry"
- Be sincere. Look at the situation from the child's perspective. Feel his hurt and speak from the heart.
- State the offense honestly. For example, "This morning I broke my promise to ... "
- Express sincere sorrow over the offense. Look the child in the eye and say, "I'm very sorry I did that."
- Specifically ask for forgiveness. "Would you please forgive me?"
- Don't make excuses. If I say, "I'm sorry I broke my promise, but this was the only time I had to clean the office," I'm telling my child he's second priority. I've already conveyed that by breaking the promise. If there are circumstances I must explain, I need to avoid excusing my wrongdoing.
- Learn from the experience. Sometimes thinking through a situation enough to apologize for it will give you helpful insights.
Tom realized that one of the sources of frustration with his special-needs son was the helplessness he felt in the face of the child's handicap. Clearly, he needed to accept his son as he was, not as Tom wished he was.
If an apology is not accepted
If my child does not accept my apology, I need to be gentle. I might ask, "Have I hurt you in some other way?" I may have repeatedly shown an inconsiderate attitude that has deeply wounded my youngster. If so, I will try to understand his feelings and apologize for that attitude.
When our youngest daughter's middle school principal retired, I spoke briefly at a gathering of her classmates and their parents. To illustrate the principal's good rapport with the students, I quoted Crystal as saying he was "awesome," but I hadn't asked her permission. The comment seemed innocent to me, but it embarrassed her. Though I told her I was sorry, I couldn't understand why she was upset. After all, the speech had gone well for me. That hurt festered in her for a long time until I saw the situation from her perspective as a young teen among peers. Only when she sensed I understood her feelings and was truly sorry did she let it go.
There may be something else happening in a child's life that makes it difficult for him to accept an apology: emotional swings of puberty, struggles with self-esteem or fear. Try to talk it out, but if that doesn't help, don't push the issue.
When an apology is not needed
Children can blame us for everything from the pimples on their faces to the fact that they don't get everything they want. Even our society blames many of our children's faults on us, the parents. An apology is not needed for things we can't help, but for things we do wrong. Like us, our children need to recognize that many things just are a certain way and have to be accepted. Neither is an apology needed when my child misunderstands my actions. What is needed is communication. A parent may say, "You were hurt by what I said (or did). Let me explain why I did it ..."
And an apology is not needed when you are applying proper discipline or punishment.
Like Cami's dad, I've learned that by asking forgiveness from my children when I'm wrong, I allow an open relationship to grow between us. And even when an apology is not perfect, children will recognize the sincerity behind it.
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Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
