Ten Needs of Every Teen
You understand that your teen €™s life is changing, but how can you connect with this distant teenager who seems to avoid you every chance he or she gets? I €™ve found that fulfilling the needs (not necessarily wants) of our teenagers enables us to forge strong, life-lasting friendships with them. I €™ve listed below 10 needs teenagers face. As you go through the list, don €™t feel discouraged if you see areas in your relationship with your teen that need work. These are only suggestions and, remember, there are no perfect parents. You can €™t waste time worrying about the things you haven €™t done. Instead, you can begin to make small changes for you and your teen.
- Time . Have you ever thought, I €™ll spend time with my teen when things calm down? Life doesn €™t calm down. It only gets more complicated, and before you know it, your teen is gone. Time together doesn €™t have to be a big deal or take a lot of effort. Relaxed interaction is important, and so is participating in planned events. Bill and his teenage son Derek decided to volunteer for a group in our town that feeds the hungry. Bill is teaching his son the importance of helping others, and at the same time, investing time in Derek €™s life.
- Respect. Asking our teens €™ opinions of different things lets them know we are interested in what they think. Their input is valuable and important. We may not agree with our teens €™ viewpoints, but we respect them as people, and we want to hear their ideas. Ask your teenager for some ideas as to how you can be a better parent. It €™s a scary thing to ask, but if you are prepared simply to listen, you can learn a lot.
- Hope. Occasionally, your teen will run up against a problem that he is sure is going to ruin his life. Things that seem of such acute importance to him or her now will not be as important given some time and perspective. When a teen feels shaky about herself, she doesn €™t need a panicky mom or an insensitive dad who is equally upset about the issue. She needs empathy and confidence. A good sense of humor and a gift of laughter if used appropriately can restore perspective. Most of all, a teen needs hope.
-
Concern for Their Friends. Having teens in my home taught me that kids are attracted to a caring atmosphere. Sometimes it €™s helpful to ask our children what we should talk about with their friends. We often feel intimidated by teens outside of our own families and don €™t know what to say to them or how to start a conversation with them. We get to know our children when we spend time with their friends. Go to as many of their events as you can.
What should you do if you don €™t like your child €™s friends? Be very careful. Spend time getting to know them. Have them in your home. Chances are that either you €™ll find they aren €™t as bad as you thought or soon your child will discover a new best friend on his own. Teenagers, especially young ones, change friends frequently. However, if it €™s obvious that your child €™s friends are having a negative impact on him or her, you may need to seek help. Consult a teacher, youth minister, or counselor. In some cases, families have actually moved in order to break the negative influence of a child €™s peer group.
What if your child doesn €™t have many close friends? Relax. You may be projecting your need for lots of friends on your teen. He or she may be a one-friend-at-a-time person. The bottom line is, get to know and try to encourage the people your children spend time with. Enjoying their friends is a way of building friendships with your own children.
-
Boundaries. Teens need boundaries and they need freedom. We must carefully choose where to stand firm and where to let go. On the other hand, clear disobedience, back talk, or violating family policies would be issues of the most basic kind where I would have to stand firm.
It €™s important that Mom and Dad agree on what the crucial issues are for their family. Clear explanation and consistent implementation are vital. Explain the why of family policies to your kids. They won €™t necessarily agree, but it helps your relationship with them if you attempt to explain and to hear their opinions. Then be consistent. €œNo € means €œno € and not €œmaybe, if you argue enough. € A teen sees right through a parent who is wishy-washy, and that parent becomes a €œwimp € in the mind of the teen.
- Flexibility. Flexibility doesn €™t conflict with parameters. Instead, the two work together in helping us to be balanced parents. I have to determine once again what issues require rigidity and where I can be flexible.
-
Understanding. My friend €™s son was very upset. His grades had just come, and he had flunked Spanish. It wasn €™t that he hadn €™t worked. In fact, he had really tried, but Spanish was just difficult for him. His dad, a successful lawyer, put his arms around his son and said, €œI don €™t know if I ever told you, but I flunked a course in law school. €
The gift of understanding was a great comfort to this young man. And the support of his parents in meeting with his teacher and arranging for a tutor helped him improve his grade the next semester.
- Other Adult Friends. Our children need adult role models in their lives other than their parents adults who will encourage them, listen to their problems, and reinforce the values that we feel are important.
- Knowing that Mom and Dad Love Each Other. The greatest thing you can do for your child is to love your child €™s dad or mom. In a single-parent situation, of course, this is not possible. But for those of us who are married, it may be the most important gift we can give.
- Consistent Role Models. Let me say first that consistency does not mean perfection. Parents are not perfect. We know it. Our children know it. Yet, they aren €™t looking for perfect parents, but for honest ones. Our most important role as parents is to live with integrity. We must keep the same standards we set for our kids. Sometimes we will fail. When we are wrong, we need to admit it and ask forgiveness.
For more details on this topic, pick up a copy of the booklet, Help! My Teen Thinks I'm the Enemy .
Background Information
Questions and Answers
Stories
If you've been through a experience related to this topic, we invite you to share your story with others.Share Your Story
Other Things to Consider
Related Topics
Relationships: Blended Families, Parents and Adult Children
Transitions: Preparing for Adolescence, Empty Nest
