Anger Alert

by Tim Sanford and Tim Geare

Anger is a secondary emotion that results from a combination of hurt/disappointment and worry/anxiety. While these factors never justify wrong or foolish behavior, getting to the root of the problem may enable the conversation to continue without it turning ugly. Here are some ways to constructively deal with angry feelings:

Aim your questions at the deeper issues. Ask your daughter what her disappointment is. This may be an unmet felt need or an unfulfilled expectation. Ask her what she may be feeling worried about. Help her find the "what if" phrases that are lurking in her thinking. "What if I can't " or "What if my friends think "
Be careful not to patronize her. If you "talk down" to your daughter, making her feel stupid or childish, she will resent it. Condescension often triggers defensiveness and anger. Give her whatever credit you can for being mature and able to use common sense. Teens tend to live up to or down to our expectations of them.
Getting angry isn't a sin. It is the expression of that anger that can be right or wrong (Ephesians 4:26). Anger shouldn't be used to hurt, intimidate or manipulate. Never attack your daughter's character, or let her attack yours. Anger can be verbally expressed with respect when it's aimed at specific behavior or the issue in question. For example, "I am really angry that you lied to me."
Don't let anger serve as a smoke screen. Teens and adults often use anger to intimidate or derail the conversation. It can be a diversionary tactic for turning attention away from their own negative actions. If you think your daughter is trying to manipulate the exchange with her anger, call her on it. Take time to cool off, then return to the core issue in a little while.
Keep a close watch on your anger level. I realize you are concerned for your daughter's anger problem, but she may actually come by it "honestly." Some parents feel justified expressing their own anger in unhealthy ways because of their level of authority. Wrong. Model what you want your daughter to emulate.