Saying No to Your Adult Children without Slamming the Door

by Stephen Bly

We all have times when we just have to say no. Some decisions are quite simple. Many are not. Do three important things before you give your answer:

Listen. Make sure you've heard the whole story.
Think. Ask, "How much time do I have to thing about this before you need an answer?" Up to some obvious limits, the more time spent considering a situation, the better the decision will be.
Discuss. Talk over the situation carefully with your mate. The best answer will convince both of you.

Six Characteristics of a Nice No

If you decide that your answer has to be no, you'll want to say it in a way that will preserve the relationship. The following guidelines will help you do that.

Be reasonable. Your answer should come with good reasons to support it, and you should be open to reasonable questions. For example, when Shana asks her parents, Tal and Lannae, to exchange houses with her family, they might calmly explain to Shana that they worked hard and sacrificed for many years to have a house that would suit their needs and hold all the children and grandchildren.
Be gentle. A gentle no is one that will probably not anger your children. It has the feeling of tenderness and compassion. This might mean that Tal and Lannae would express genuine concern over Shana's housing dilemma and sympathy that her growing family feels crowded in their current house.
Be distinct. Make your yes indisputable. Make your no crystal clear. Tal and Lannae should make it clear that yes, they understand Shana's problem, but no, they are not going to exchange houses.
Be uplifting. This means that your words should add to another person's moral, intellectual, or spiritual improvement. Here's the twist. You need to consider how saying no to your adult children helps them understand you and themselves better. Perhaps Tal and Lannae should remind Shana that they lived in a cramped house when she and her siblings were growing up, and the family was able to work around it and grow from the challenges.
Exhibit peace and strength. Remember that peace and strength are much more than just the absence of conflict. Peace is confident assurance that God is still in control in the midst of conflict. Strength is the ability to endure a tough situation and come out of it stronger than you were before. Both characteristics assume conflict and trial. Tal and Lannae can assume that by remaining peaceful and strong, their relationship with their daughter will be preserved and even strengthened.
Be concerned about long-term goals. Long after I'm gone, I want my son to be an example to his children, his grandchildren, and his grandchildren's children. That's my goal for his life. And any decision I am allowed to have in his life now should reflect that ongoing goal.

Tal and Lannae might consider that giving Shana their house could cause her to expect that in the future everything should easily work out her way. Refusing her request this time will increase her ability to face challenges now and in the future.

Excerpted from Once a Parent, Always a Parent by Stephen Bly, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.